Happy New Year 2008

Every woman wonders at one point in her life, whether as a girl or as a grown woman how and what it will feel like to carry a child, and to give birth to one. NO kidding... even when a girl while growing up thought about being a single independent working woman one day, the unpredictible journey in life changes course of a person’s mind. No matter how independent a person is, there is a sense of need to belong to something, and most often this “something” turns out to be an undetatchable asset - the family. Lao Tzu once said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage”. I never understood this when growing up. Being a child surrounded by loved ones and always being pampered by parents who loved and nurture me unconditionally, I have for some time taken those for granted. Being naive was a perfect excuse. Yes, WAS and never is again. People asked, what gave you all those strength to be here alone all this time? I puzzled at the question. Alone? What alone? At some point in my life, I did feel that I may be lonely during those varsity years but that is a whole nine yard away from being alone. The nature and nurture of life when growing up failed to make me feel that I am alone. I do not believe that my parents will allow that or my siblings running away from me to leave me to rot. Two thousand and seven is a year that has been truly full. It was full of challenges, fear, happiness, and sense of content. It was the first year of my marriage to Howie, and the birth of our first child, a baby boy who we named Deion. Did I ever predict this to happen? I DON’T know. Let’s just say that I knew that at some point in my life that I will get marry and have child(ren) because that’s what I used to think all women will end up doing (No punt intended). Anyway, I am married and now I am a mother, so what is next? You see, this is the catch. There’s always this question about what is next. I am never good at revealing what is next. Being superstitious, I am always scared that revealing anything at all will jinx my plans (if I have any). My mind is too busy at the present time to even plan too far ahead. Being a person is hard enough, but now I have multiple roles that I have to perform in. That’s right, perform. How else should I put it? Like it or not, one is always graded (indirectly if not obviously) in each role that they wear daily like the outfits that we have. Did we do a good job or no, but always the worst critic is none other than moí. How does a person do a perfect job in all of these roles every day? I never know how my mom did it as a wife, daughter, and daughter in law, mother, sister, friend..... I only ask that secretly inside myself when I am all those but I am also an employee and a student. More complex? Lots of juggling and baby steps. I was not born to be a person’s wife, or a mother. In fact, I have lead a pretty much independent life for so long that it suddenly feels a little strange to hang on to someone so dearly. Life is full of turns and different twists. It is difficult to be perfect all the time and to make the perfect decisions. Although I never feel like things need to be done in my way, but the perfectionist in me wants every inch and specks to be free from dust. Extreme isn’t it? I think so too. However, I have learned in life that there are many perfect parents who made silly mistakes, and perfect couples out there who turned their heads away from one another because of the most absurd reasons. It baffles me, because sometimes it seemed, some of the most imperfect parents ended up having children who grew up to be society’s top elites. Life is just full of unexpected. I know this new year will be the same too. I still have a good 9 more months to go for my maternity leave. It will be challenging, but I am sure my little boy will entertain my life day-to-day.

Another year

Another year zoomed by again. I've been out of the picture most of the time these days. For some time now, I have switched to blogging on Friendster (http://peisan.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/) but have decided recently to return to blogger. 2007 had been a very challenging year. Being a wife at first, then being pregnant and being a new mother. I have learned lots but there are just so much to story in such a short time. Have I matured? I am not sure about this. At times, I think my brain cells went through apoptosis the moment I became pregnant. So slowly is the process, that I now feel that I have forgotten much about what I have learned during my years as a student. It is scary whenever I think about it. So constantly, I am trying to read about things that are related to my job at times, even telling my young son who had just turned 3 months old about the process that is going through in the brain that involves POMC. What would a 3 months old know? He would smile at me, as if trying to make me realize that there are things that cannot be changed and he will try to be good and walk be through it. IT IS a blessing, this baby. I will feel down one second but whenever he smiles, the momentary shadow over my eyes brightened.